It's summer music festival time, and while it's a prime chance to check out dozens of bands on the cheap, it's also a dangerous breeding ground for death, disease, and other catastrophes. These six tips may just save your life.
This may sound like a no-brainer to most but it seems like a majority of people tend to forget that outdoor music festivals are rife with drugs and alcohol which do an excellent job of dehydrating you while failing to remind you that you're becoming dehydrated. In a majority of music festivals there is very little shade and when you do go to see a performance you're packed together tightly like a bunch of sardines. Sardines that have consumed copious amounts of beer and weed. Drink plenty of water before you head into the festival. Find an oasis if you can and refill your water bottles as often as you drink them. Then while you're hydrated, watch all the people around you roll their eyes in the back of their heads and hit the ground faster than Peter McNeely.
5- Mark Your Territory
If you're camping out, odds are that you have an old tent or you just bought that cheap one at Target. The bad part about this is that most people have the same idea you do and when you've screwed up the previous rule and are under various influences, trying to find your tent at the end of the night is like finding a needle in a haystack made of people getting high and fucking. Put something on top of your tent or have a flag waving near your campsite so you can remember where the hell you are at three in the morning. The worst thing you can do instead of not finding your own tent is stumbling into someone else's in the middle of the night.
4- Buddy Up
This isn't just a smart move in case someone gets hurt; it can be helpful later in telling stories. When I went to Bonnaroo one year, Primus played a late night show. I was standing two rows from the front and saw a vertically challenged man pull a foot long mushroom stem from his sleeve and devour it in second. I looked back over to my friend in complete surprise only to see him nodding in agreement over what we just saw. Unfortunately he's not in this blog post right now to vouch for me, but I swear he was there. Honest.
3- Don't Whiz Where You Walk
Porta-potties may be the nastiest place you get rid of body waste this side of Paris Hilton's face, but they're there for a reason. Unfortunately, almost every music festival is full of a dangerous mixture that will have you swimming in waste. That mixture is the potential for rain, and the inevitability of morons whipping it out and pissing on the paths (inevitable at every festival but Lilith Fair, that is). All of that body fluid and rain gets washed up and turns into mud and you're going to step in it. Do the world a favor and plug your nose, close your eyes, and be a man. And if you're a man, please try to practice good aim. Maybe we can one day live in a world where women won't have to engage in some serious squats to get their business done.
2- Take a Few Dry Showers
No matter how much Axe you bring, by the end of a festival, you're going to smell awful after a few days without soap and running water. So you've got two options; fork over twenty five bucks to use some shifty dude's RV or a slightly-better than a porta-potty makeshift bathroom. But you're watching multiple bands for less than a hundred dollars! Why start spending mone freely now? Two words: baby wipes. Keep a little bit in your bag and if you step in mud or get dirty just wipe the dirt away. You'll appreciate this later when you're crammed in the back of a car on the way home smelling like a locker room and carrying more germs than the monkey from "Outbreak."
1- Find a Sober Driver
Unless you're one of those wussies who leaves a festival before it ends, odds are all of your posse will be tired and/or hungover. Hopefully you've got a music snob in your midst, since they'll be amped up by the music, and probably didn't want alcohol to "ruin the experience." All you have to do, dear drunkard, is listen to his over-wrought stories about how epic the 3AM jam session over by the porta-potties was. Cops are probably going to be waiting for you as you leave the festival so drive back safe and don't risk getting caught and staying longer than you expected inside a jail cell. Sure it's a place you can sleep for another night but I'm sure a nice hot shower is better in your home where the chances of brutal sodomy are limited to your own vices.