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7 Fictional Characters Who Were Substance Abusers (Besides Shaggy)

Feb. 28 11:52 AM by TKK

It's a sad and lamentable fact that drug abuse is a common problem in our modern day society. But drug use isn't limited to real humans: some our most beloved fictional characters were no doubt hopped up on something as well. So join us as we shed the cold hard light of truth on these pill-popping, line-snorting, joint-smoking fiends. And before you bitch and moan about how we didn't mention the most obvious offender of all time-Shaggy from Scooby-Doo-it's because he's already in the Fictional Drug Abuser's Hall of Fame (heck, they have a statue of him outside the building).

7- Gargamel

Drug of choice: Psychedelic mushrooms

Poor, poor Gargie-living out in the woods by himself with no one to keep him company but a mangy orange cat and with nothing to wear but a tattered black onesie. Now, you might be thinking that old Gargamel is a fan of the drink but nope: our deranged wizard friend is a habitual user of psychedelic mushrooms. We're guessing he stumbled upon a patch one day in the woods and mistaking them for harmless morels, put them in a stew or something; the next thing he knows, there are all these little blue creatures running around all over the place and he's gotta catch them so he can turn them into gold. We're hoping that whatever organization handles senior citizens in Gargamel's world makes a long overdue visit to his hovel and sets him up in a nice retirement home.

6- He-Man

Drug of choice: Steroids/HGH

There's no doubt that He-Man is a physical specimen but have you ever seen the guy lift a barbell or do a jumping jack? Nope. When he's not kicking Skeletor's ass, he's usually hanging out with his friends in the castle or combing his thick blond hair; you never see him hitting the weight room or worrying about his strict metabolic diet. How the hell does he maintain that flawless physique then? Now, we don't want to spread any rumors but let's just say that if you put a baseball bat in his hands, He-Man could probably smoke a fastball 600 feet to dead center. Good thing the guy's not real or Congress would probably want to have a word with him about a few things.

5- Spock

Drug of choice: Prescription meds

Okay, we know that Vulcans are a serious and stoic people but we find it hard to believe that Spock could maintain that stone-faced demeanor at all times, especially while working under a complete and utter incompetent like Captain Kirk (sorry, Trek-heads but you know it's true). Most of you have worked under some jackass who was less qualified than you but somehow made more money, right? And it's aggravating as hell, isn't it? Weren't there days when you just wanted to punch a hole in wall because of something your dumbass boss did? The worst part is, he has to live with Kirk on a spaceship, so it isn't like he can just clock out and go home at the end of the day. So how is it that he maintains his focus and calm demeanor all the time? By swallowing enough prescription pills to sedate a Wookie, that's how (yes, we know Wookies are from Star Wars. God, put away your nerd hat for like one second, okay?).

I bet Spock and Bones get together once a week in the dispensary and knock back a couple handfuls of pills; then they probably sit around and trade stories and jokes about Kirk behind his overacting back. You'd do the same if you were in his shoes.

4- Garfield

Drug of choice: The sticky icky

Let's see, Garfield has an aversion to physical movement, he sleeps a lot, has droopy eyelids and constantly has the munchies. Yep, there's no doubt about it: Garfield probably gets higher than the Goodyear Blimp. And with good reason too-he's stuck all day at home with nothing to do but harass a dopey dog for fun. What, it isn't like he can go get a job! There just aren't that many opportunities for an overweight cat out there. Besides, he's totally got these cataracts that make it hard for him to see and he needs his "medicine" to make him feel better, okay?

3- Willy Wonka

Drug of choice: Sugar

Okay, technically, sugar isn't a drug but it might as well be. People can get addicted to it and go through withdrawal if they go without it for too long. And there are negative short-term and long-term side effects associated with it. Now, while it might be tempting to accuse the erratic and sort of frightening Willy Wonky of abusing a harsher drug such as PCP or cocaine, his true passion is that other white powder: sugar. Think about it-the man keeps insanely large quantities about the stuff lying around in his warehouse and he's got free access to it whenever he wants. Remember that scene in Scarface when Tony Montana's sitting around in his office with that mountain of yayo on his desk? Yeah, we're guessing Willy Wonka has a similar mountain of white on his desk as well. We bet his boogers are shaped like rock candy. We're also willing to bet that every single Oompa Loompa in the factory has felt the wrath of a hopped up Willy Wonka at some point in their careers. Our advice to them is simple: carry a box of Everlasting Gobstoppers with you at all times. If an irate Wonka comes towards you, throw it at him and run as fast as your little legs will take you.

2- Sneezy

Drug of choice: Snuff

Everyone knows that cigarettes are bad for you but what most people don't know is that other forms of tobacco can be just as bad. Take chewing tobacco, for instance. Or how about the archaic snuff, a smokeless tobacco that's inhaled? We're guessing the reason why Sneezy is so sneezy is because he's sneaking pinches of the stuff when no one else is looking. The habit probably formed when he had to give up cigarettes. Smoking when you live out in the woods is always a bad idea (forest fires and all that); consider also that he lives with six other dudes who didn't smoke. We bet Grumpy was always riding his ass to open a window and Sneezy just got tired of hearing it, so he switched to snuff to shut him up.

1- Gummi Bears

Drug of choice: Gummiberry juice

The Gummi Bears were a bunch of rolly-polly bears who'd spend their days brewing and drinking the magical elixir Gummiberry juice. This potent potion would give them the ability to bounce around the forest like the cute little animals that they were. But the secret behind Gummiberry juice is far more sinister. See, according to Wikipedia, "if the juice was consumed by humans (or ogres) they would gain temporary superhuman strength." Hey, there's another kind of juice that gives humans a temporary feeling of superhuman strength-it's called Jagermiester. If you think those Gummi Bears are just juicing some harmless berry, you need to open your eyes and see the truth: they were brewing up batches a of gummi moonshine powerful enough to make you feel like Superman.

Comments

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa....Mr. Spock should not be on the list!!!! I'm sure he occasionally tokes it up, but who doesn't???? MR. SPOCK I LOVE YOU!!!!!

 

Its all good I knew my favorite character here would get down with my favorite past time (sorry video games) toke it up Garfield, puff puff pass cus.

 

I'll have what Wonka's having...

 

I agree with the Spock one completely. Every time Spock told Kirk "that is illogical", that was his passive-aggressive way of saying "you're doing all wrong jackass, I could run this ship ten times better than you. It's the equivalent of Al saying "I don't think so, Tim."

 

this is the dumbest thing

what the hell is wrong with this website

this sucks

 

Poor Gene Wilder. Best Wonka ever. Depp can never live up to a man so great as Gene Wilder, in my mind at least.

As for drug abuse...
"If you want to view paradise... simply look around and view it..."

 

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