There's no denying that people love game shows. Heck, there's even an entire channel devoted to them. But for every awesome game show like The Price is Right or Jeopardy, we have a crapload of other shows with premises so ridiculous and idiotic, they hurt our collective intelligence with their very existence. And wasn't it high time someone exposed these waste shows for the terrible wastes of time that they were? Of course it was! So come along as we countdown the 9 Most Insultingly Idiotic Game Shows of all time!
9- Wheel of Fortune
This show's been around for what feels like forever. In fact, our theory is that when early man discovered the wheel, he immediately thought to himself, "I know exactly what to do with this thing. I'm going to put a bunch of monetary denominations on it and let people spin it while they solve dead simple word puzzles." Of course, money hadn't been invented yet and neither had words but they still had Pat Sajak around (seriously, that guy never ages). Wheel of Fortune is actually not that bad of a game show but what kills us is how the simple word puzzles continue to confound a legion of slow-witted contestants. It's freaking Hangman, people! If you get selected to be on the show, don't buy vowels, take an educated guess every now and again and buy a book of cliched sayings, okay?
8- The Newlywed Game
You know, we always thought that marriage was meant as a sacred life-long bond between two people in love. But silly us: it turns out that it's really just a premise for a crappy game show. If you've never seen the show, it basically forces newlywed couples to answer embarrassing questions about each other for cash and prizes. Which makes total sense, because what better way to celebrate your nuptials than to make a jackass out of yourself on television? And what's more embarrassing than admitting to the world that you know absolutely nothing about the person you've committed yourself to for the rest your life? Finding out that they don't know jack shit about you either. But hey, look on the bright side: in about six months, you'll both be eligible to appear on Divorce Court!
7- Card Sharks
Hey, can you tell if one number is lesser or greater than another? You can? Okay, but can you shout the words "Higher" and "Lower" at the top of your lungs? Really? Then congratulate yourself, sir and/or madam, because you have the skills necessary to be a master Card Sharks player. Seriously, we've seen children's games that were more difficult than this game show. And to top it off, they throw in idiotic survey questions that they supposedly to posed to real people but really, they just made that stuff up. The only thing cool about this show were the ginormous playing cards they used because they sort of looked like something you'd find in a cheesy Bond villain's hideout.
6- Let's Make A Deal
We're not sure Let's Make a Deal can be called a terrible game show simply because there's no game involved. There's no skill or talent required: you just show up and you win stuff. It's sort of like some old eccentric millionaire went off his rocker and started giving his fortune away to strangers, except a whole lot stupider. Sure, the show is a pop-culture classic and we've all uttered the phrase "I'll take whatever's behind door number 3," at least once in our lives but seriously, what is the point of this show? If you figure it out, tell us and we'll reward you with whatever the hell is in this box. And if you don't want the box, you can trade it in for whatever the hell is in this other box. (Hint, both boxes contain an empty box.)
5- Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader
Wow, talk about scraping the bottom of the idea barrel. Here's a show where the objective is to try and outwit a bunch of school children. How dumb do you have to be to actually go on this show? Oh, right: the answer's pretty obvious there, huh? The weird part is, this show is actually doing okay in the ratings. But we think the show can be made even better and here's how: Fox should level out the playing field a little bit for the adults by introducing American Gladiators-style challenges to the show. So after getting schooled by the little punks in categories like World Geography, the frustrated adults can let out a little aggression by firing the tennis ball cannon at the little 5th graders' heads. See, now that's a show we'd totally watch.
4- Dating Shows
We're just going to lump all the idiotic dating shows into one here. Why? Because they all suck for the same reasons. Look, finding love is fucking hard. Hell, even finding someone who you can put up with for five minutes is difficult. But trying to find someone to date by letting the producers of a trashy dating show choose your potential mate is just suicide. You know they're going to go out of their way to set you up for failure because no one tunes in to see you find actual happiness. Nope, they either want you to engage in some skank-o-roman wrestling in the hot tub or have the date from Hell.
Look, if you're thinking about going onto one of these dating shows, don't. Just do what the average single person would do: go out and get drunk with your friends, bitch and moan all night about not being able to find "true love," go home, masturbate, cry for twenty-minutes straight, call your ex and hang up when they answer, masturbate a second time and then call it a night, okay?
3- Deal or No Deal
Even after two long years, Deal or No Deal is still one of NBC's top shows, insulting the general intelligence of our nation twice a week. Can you pick numbers? Can you tell when a dollar amount is high or low? Well then congratulations, you've got what it takes to be a Deal or No Deal contestant. Even more insulting than the lack of skill necessary to play is the amount of padding a typical episode will take (see the video below for more proof). Who needs writers when you can take ten minutes to pick a briefcase, open it, and decide to keep playing? NBC, just get rid of the gameshow concept altogether and rename it "Watch Howie Mandel Avoid Physical Contact For an Hour"
2- Win, Lose or Draw
At least one of the words in the name of this show accurately describes the feeling you get when you sit down to watch it: guess which word we're talking about. Here's a hint: it's the opposite of the word 'win.' This game is basically Pictionary, except everybody's sober, and you're just sitting in the corner watching it happen. The only reason to watch was to see celebrities mess up and cost the real contestants money, but let's face facts-- these celebs weren't even $20,000 Pyramid caliber. Now the 1997 Pictionary game show hosted by Alan Thicke, that's a game show!
1- Hollywood Squares
Like most of the gameshows we've run down, Hollywood Squares took a childhood game and managed to dumb it down even further. We've all played tic-tac-toe, but have you ever played tic-tac-toe with celebrities determining whether you can write your X or O based on your ability to determine their deceptive lies? You haven't? We'll, there's probably a good reason for that. And there's no good reason to watch this show, besides the possibility of seeing Louie Anderson slip and fall from the top right square. But alas, it never happened.