In between one of the greatest comebacks in NFL history, a bunch of new commercials premiered. With commercial slots costing more than you or I will make in our pathetic lives, most companies put together high-quality ads that accurately conveyed the importance of its products. These six companies, on the other hand, created absolute crap.
6- IceBreakers Ice Cube Gum
This ad asks us to suspend disbelief on way too many levels. First, that Carmen Electra has the ability to draw a line around the block. Second, that she'd choose "Wow" as her code word. And third, that she'd be that impressed by a piece of gum. Considering she was married to Dennis Rodman for a year, she's probably had weirder things in her mouth. And what message do we get from all this insanity? That chewing Ice Breakers Ice Cubes will ultimately lead to the consumer getting the shit kicked out of him.
5- SalesGenie.com's Pandas
Wow. Here we thought horribly racist ads died in the 1950's. Guess Salesgenie was so desparate to make its mark in the internet world that it thought that stereotypical Asian accents and a nonsensical plot would lead to new customers. Word to the wise: if you do end up using the site and end up meeting one of your 100 free sales leads, don't tell them it was because "I really done liked them Oriental bears!"
4- Diet Pepsi Max "Night at the Roxbury" Parody
We don't get it. Weren't soft drink companies trying to decrease the amount of caffeine in their sodas? Regardless, it seems that today's sportscasters and celebrities, despite their constant access to illegal stimulants, struggle to stay awake like normal toupee-wearing and bobble-head factory-working Americans. Thankfully, Pepsico has developed a cola made to wake up the masses and unite them in paying tribute to a decade-old c-level SNL skit. Way to ping today's pop-culture radar, guys.
3- Amp Energy Drink's "Nipple" Ad
Imagine our glee as "Salute Your Shorts" alumni Michael "Donkey Lips" Bower made his way onscreen on television's greatest stage. That glee dissipated about 5 seconds into the commercial, at which point the beefy actor clamped jumper cables to his nipples and danced to Salt N Pepa. The combination of disgusting gyrations and yet another horrifically dated song has us convinced that if we ever drank a can of Amp, we'd learn the true taste of failure. We'll never trust another mechanic in a breastless uniform.
2- Sobe Life Water's Dancing Lizards
Take two highly unpopular figures in pop culture and combine them with dancing CGI lizards to sell "Life water." We don't know what is worse: Naomi Campbell dancing, Naomi Campbell dancing to Michael Jackson's Thriller, or having my eyes and ears gouged out in the middle of the Super Bowl? This commercial wouldn't have even been slightly amusing during the heyday of Jackson, Campbell, or dancing CGI animals (which was in 1993). As for the relevance, I'm pretty sure the ability to dance to 80's music with weird animals would take more than an energy drink. Sobe, try again next year when Campbell gets thrown into prison in the Philippines.
1- Pro Bowl Ads
What better way to follow up the Superbowl than with a meaningless exhibition featuring the NFL's best playing their half-assedest in order to hang out in Hawaii? When your all-star game manages to make the NHL's look thrilling, it's time to take it back to the drawing board. Plus, it's a known fact that Pro Bowl parties suck the big one.