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The 9 Most Unfortunately Named Athletes

Dec. 21 2:54 PM by TKK

Athletes sure have it good. Getting paid millions of dollars and earning worldwide admiration for playing with a ball or a stick or driving a car fast is a sweet deal. Something has to take these people down a peg, and when steroid trials and dating Jessica Simpson won't do, constant mocking about their silly names will. Here's the nine most unfortunately named athletes in the sporting world.

9- Coco Crisp

We're not going to make much fun of Coco Crisp for one reason: he got the nickname 'Co' from his grandmother which eventually grew to "Coco" and that would just be mean to make fun of a guy for that. Besides, the cereal he's named for, Cocoa Krispies, is delicious; we're also fond of Cookie Crisps. Also, the Brits call potato chips "crisps," though chocolate flavored potato chips sound pretty awful. Also, his name makes us think about that one Seinfeld episode when George wanted to be called T-Bone but got stuck with the nickname "Coco" instead. That one was pretty good.

8- Rex Grossman

Oh, you poor Bears fans. Not only is your team sucking wind in the NFC North, but you have Rex Grossman for your QB. While he's had some success, having a first name better suited for a dog and a none-too-flattering surname won't get him mentioned in the same breath as Dan Marino and Joe Montana. Also, the fact that he's been replaced by Al Borland lookalike Kyle Orton is probably proof enough he won't be enshrined in Canton anytime soon.

7- Milton Bradley

Milton Bradley isn't a particularly great baseball player. Had he a more assumed name like Brandon Phillips or Dave Roberts, he'd be just another guy on the field, playing mediocre ball and making his two million dollars a year. Luckily, he parents probably knew that he'd be nothing more than a decent athlete, and gave him a memorable name. Unfortunately, the fact that he's named after a major toy company allows many jokes to be made at his expense. Whether you're talking about Milton Bradley's trade value falling faster than a set of Jenga blocks or his "Monopoly" on mediocre fielding, there's always a reason to keep him on the field, even if he's not very good at hitting or fielding.

6- Major Applewhite

Jerry Seinfeld had this bit about how naming your kid "Jeeves" would all but guarantee that they grew up to be butlers. Maybe that's why the parents of former Texas Longhorn quarterback Major Applewhite gave their son his name: they wanted him to grow up and join the Army. But if that's the case, why would they just settle for the rank of Major? Why not go all the way and name him General? Or better yet, why not name him Guy Who Is Richer Than Bill Gates And More Attractive Than Brad Pitt Applewhite? You know what? That's totally what we're naming our firstborn child.

The other unfortunate thing about this name is that it sounds like something a kid would say to his friends when they were being totally lame about something.

"Damn, don't be such a major applewhite, Charlie."

5- O.J. Mayo

You know what the name O.J. Mayo sounds like? It sounds like something your asshole friends would try to trick you into thinking was a miracle hangover cure.

"No, man, I swear, the next time you have too much to drink, just make an O.J. Mayo and youll be fine."

And of course, his name just happens to be a combination of a suspected murderer and a gross, cholesterol-laden sandwich condiment. So even though O.J. Mayo is doing alright for himself--he's a highly touted college basketball player who will no doubt make the jump to the NBA and score a huge contract--but you still have to feel for the guy. After all, he's named after two things that could potentially kill you.

4- Miroslav Satan

Now here's a man who plays his sport like he has the devil on his back: The Czech born Miroslav Satan, who plays for the New York Islanders, has a last name that just happens to be identical to the name of a certain fallen angel who is seem by most religious folks as the very epitome of evil. The bright side is that it's not pronounced the same way-it's SHUH-tan-and it's probably the number one selling NHL jersey among heavy metal fans. Also, his teammates can crack "the devil made me do it" jokes every time he asks them to do something for him.

3- Nicky Butt

Nicky used to play for one of the best football teams in the world (second only to Chelsea) until Manchester United booted Butt for a player named Gary Speed (we are not making this up). Mr. Butt is currently starting for Newcastle United, and has been tapped several times for the English national team. Contrary to what you might think, he doesn't play in the backfield (heh heh), but rather holds the position of defensive midfielder and he isn't crappy at it either. He's a goal-scoring football machine who can really kick some ass.

2- John David Booty

Depending on who you ask, booty can either refer to a person's backside or to treasure. But things get really interesting when you consider that the starting quarterback for the University of Southern California Trojans is named John David Booty. Yeah, the joke basically writes itself, doesn't it? Also, can you imagine the crap this guy must get from other athletes? We bet he hears crap like, "Man, your name has to be Booty because you stink!" all the time.

And he's in college. Wait until he gets to the NFL and squares off against veteran players who've been perfecting their trash talking art for years. The good news is that his jersey is probably going to be a hot seller. The bad news is that they're probably going to be purchased mainly by douchebags who'll point to the name with their thumbs and be like, "Yeah, you know what I did this weekend." Freaking douchebags.

1- Dick Trickle

Longtime "SportsCenter" fans know of Dick Trickle, a NASCAR racer who never really won, but was always reported on due to the simple fact that his name was suggestive of the act of urination. We debated his inclusion on the list due to the fact that he's retired for the most part, but apparently, the guy still participates in a stock car race from time to time. It's so great to see that old Dick still gets in the seat every once in a while.

OMGLists writers Kate McNally and Dave Rudden contributed to this list.

Comments

How is Rudy Gay not on this list????

 

Gaylord Perry, anyone?

 

What about Rusty Kuntz the baseball player?

 

C'mon: no Stefan Kuntz? (German footballer)
No David Seaman (England's goalkeeper, inspiration for dozens of commentary bloopers along the lines of "and Ronaldinho has just lobbed Seaman!")

Incidentally Gary Speed left Newcastle for Bolton around the time Butt joined, he never played for ManUtd (and Butt was never much of a goalscorer, though he was a decent enough reserve midfielder).

 

It is probably quite likely that a kid will grow up to be a top boxer if his name can be paraphrased as 'elephant sized ejaculation'

Jumbo Cummins

 

Uh.... hello, you missed the unarguably best one yet:

Jim Bob Cooter
former Quarterback, Univ. of Tennessee,

 

Um dude, when you say "we" are naming our kid "Richer Than Bill Gates and More Attractive Than Brad Pitt" do you mean OUR kid, Tae? I only ask because there were three of us who wrote this thing, and only one is capable of having biological children with you...unless dearest David has a secret.

 

David and I have a master plan that involves adopting more kids than Angelina. We will then teach them to fight crime. In space.

 

kyoorius

You forgot that Harry played in Cleveland for a time, making him Brown Harry Colon

bummer for him

Also orel hershiser isn't very flattering.

and Chris Smelley at South Carolina . . . plays for the Cocks . . .
Imaging USC and South Carolina. The Booty - Smelley Cock Bowl . . .

 

Would you then say Booty will put a trojan on . . . never mind

 

Actually, Miroslav Satan is Slovak-born, not Czech-born.

 

You Morons!!!
How do you possibly omit DICK BUTKUS?
are you kidding? This one should have been #1.
Even when I was a kid I knew that named must've sucked growing up.

 

There's also NASCAR driver Dick Leakey. The commentary jokes just wrote themselves: "Dick Trickle followed by Dick Leakey..."

 

I submit Joe Don Looney, one of the most aptly-named professional athletes in history. Played in the NFL in the '60s and was the epitome of a loose cannon. His coach told him to run in a play and Looney replied, "You want a messenger boy, call Western Union!"

Also remember Belinda Gay, IIRC an NFL defensive tackle in the '80s and maybe '90s.

 

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