We go to the movies to escape reality. One of those realities is that most romantic relationships are completely dysfunctional, which we can forget when a single dad, a neurotic New Yorker, or a time traveler from the 19th century realizes he truly loves Meg Ryan. The following seven movies serve to remind us how awkward or digusting the human courtship ritual can be.
7- Harold (Bud Cort) and Maude (Ruth Gordon), "Harold and Maude"
Sure, it's considered one of the greatest offbeat love stories of our timebut we still can't fully wrap our heads around the logistics of octogenarian Maude doing the dirty dance with the prepubescent-looking Harold. Thankfully, we don't have to, since the filmmakers decided to show it. No woman will admit that the romance is disgusting in the slightest, but that's because they all want to bang guys a quarter of their age.
6- Terry Griffith (Joyce Hyser) and Rick Morehouse (Ruth Gordon), "Just One of the Guys"
While it may be one of the best teen comedies of the eighties, the evolution of the relationship between Hyser and Gordon's characters just feels all wrong. In case you haven't seen it, we'll recap it: Girl dresses up as boy. Boy-girl meets boy. Boy-girl becomes boy's best friend. Boy-girl falls in love with boy. Boy-girl kisses boy at prom in front of unsespecting student body. Boy decides later he loves the woman he knew for months as a man. We're all for trans-sexuality, homosexuality, and heterosexuality here at OMGLists, but we draw the line at this, which we've dubbed ewwsexuality.
5- Dave Morgan (Sean Astin) and Robyn Sweeney (Megan Ward), "Encino Man"
Between The Goonies and Lord of the Rings, Sean Astin's a hero to the geek masses. His performance in Encino Man, believe it or not, only strengthens his case, as he manages to get the way-out-of-his-league Megan Ward by stalking her. You can actually see the disgust on Ward's character when a doughier than usual Astin decides to show a picture of them bathing together as toddlers. When asked whether he's shown it to anyone else, he replies, "No. That copy's yours." Somehow he ends up winning her affection. Ladies, if a guy makes A COPY of pictures of both of you as naked babies, he's not sweet. He's fucking scary.
4- Cher (Alicia Silverstone) and Josh (Paul Rudd), "Clueless"
Alicia Silverstone and Paul Rudd are both attractive people who are genuinely charismatic, so it'd make sense that you'd want them to end up together. That is, you would if they weren't brother and sister. Granted, they're half-brother and sister, but you have to wonder how they introduce themselves at future family functions. Is it best to mention that you started banging before or after your parents did? There must be a Miss Manners column out there that addresses this.
3- Buddy (Will Ferrel) and Jovie (Zooey Deschanel), "Elf"
In Elf, Zooey Deschanel plays a caustic, independent girl who works at a department store to pay the bills. Of course, it makes sense that she ends up falling for a man-child raised by elves. That layer of sarcasm just melts away when faced with an asexual giant with daddy issues and an unhealthy love for Christmas. Or maybe it's just the yellow tights and pointy hat and shoes. Or the name Buddy. God, who wouldn't want a piece of that?!
2- Howard T. Duck (Chip Zien) and Beverly Switzler (Lea Thompson), "Howard the Duck"
While we'd probably give our whacking arm to be with her, when it comes down to it, Lea Thompson's done some nasty things on film. Between almost mounting her time-travelling son in Back to the Future and actual bestiality in "Howard the Duck", Thompson has engaged in some serious crimes against humanity. Disney may have been able to make us cool with a leggy redhead and a gigantic bunny fucking in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", but with George Lucas at the helm, you can count on the romance either being really disgusting (Luke and Leia) or nonexistent (Anakin and Padme). We wish he'd gone with option number two this time.
1- Pongo and Perdita, "One Hundred and One Dalmatians"
Here's a movie romance that manages to be disturbing on multiple levels. Pongo and Perdita, two amorous canines, catch each other's eye and proceed to have their owners fall in love. As we've established before, you lose the right to date when your parents do. Nonetheless, they end up procreating to the extent where Perdita produces a couple dozen puppies, then proceeds to adopt enough to almost hit triple digits. That's more than four times the record for largest dog litter. We're still awaiting the potential sequel to Clueless where Alicia Silverstone gives birth to her half-brother's baker's dozen children, but Paramount hasn't gotten back to us about our script yet.
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