The prospect of a bearded old man breaking and entering into millions of homes is pretty scary, but when you call the guy Santa, suddenly it's okay. However, if you're talking about these 8 creepy versions of Saint Nick, then your mood may be considerably less merry.
8- Xanta Klaus
Unbeknownst to anyone who didn't watch the WWF during the early 90s, Santa Claus was born with a twin brother. And it's a scientific fact that when you have a pair of twins, one is good and one is evil. In the Clauses' case, it's very easy to distinguish the good from the evil, simply by observing their opposing features. For instance, the evil Klaus wears black, spells his name with the terrifying letters "X" and "K" and instead of giving away presents he steals them. He also enjoys clothes-lining shiny-chested, steroid-abusers in front of thousands of people for profit, but that has nothing to do with his twin. Based on his opposite behavioral patterns, one could assume that Xanta probably employs thousands of extremely tall men to break toys, yells "Oh! Oh! Oh!" prior to arriving at someone's home (presumably to steal and break their toys), and lives at the South Pole with his life partner, Steve. A children's book detailing Xanta's exploits is certainly due.
7- The Grinch
Prior to the Grinch gaining superhuman strength from his ever-expanding heart, this green beast snuck into a village of hairy-faced, mountain-dwellers and stole all of their Jing-Tinglers, Flu-Flubas, and Tar-Tinklas. As previously mentioned, the Grinch was covered in a coat of green fur, which, before today's environmental revolution, was the most scary and unnatural color imaginable. He also had yellow peepers that looked like snakes' eyes, which made that Christmas-hating-fiend the perfect storm of unnatural evil. Unfortunately, frightening-points have to be deducted due to that adorable dog he kept as a pet, who really foreshadowed the fact that even hairy, green monsters who live in dank caves, and probably eat the citizens of Who-Ville when they stray too far from their homes, can have compassion and good somewhere inside them. Ultimately, the Grinch turned out to be a big softy, but rumors still persist that somewhere on the Internets, one can find videos of him capturing and torturing lost Whos, prior to their consumption.
When traveling through Toronto, you should always be wary of a massive human male who roams the streets topless screaming "yes, yes, yes," while doing push ups. If not, you will undoubtedly soil yourself when everything you thought you understood about Santa Claus (fat, reserved, wears a shirt) gets turned on its head. Zanta is a boisterous, Canadian street-performer who makes a living blowing people's minds by doing partially-nude exercise routines in heavily-trafficked areas. Again, this busker breaks with traditional St. Nick convention by not giving items to people, but instead asking for things in return for rendering his services (which consist of working out on the sidewalk for the entertainment of others). Frequently, coins are distributed to this strongman, but whether they are given out of sympathy or fear is uncertain. We can be sure that if Santa Claus really existed, by now he would have murdered Zanta.
5- Jack Skellington
If you subscribe to the opinion that an animated corpse would make a frightening Santa, then Jack Skellington is the last person you want sliding down your chimney come December 25th. This sentient skeleton-turned-Santa -- who at one time had an affinity for everything Halloween-related -- has an appearance that contrasts with all of Santa's iconic aesthetics. Is he short and stout? Nope. Does he have rosy red cheeks? Nope. Does he have a heart that pumps blood through his various internal organs? Nope. What he does have is a chilling ghost dog who -- like the Grinch's canine before him -- is used to pull his terrifying sleigh while he destroys this treasured holiday for millions of children across the world. Jack Skellington: you were a failure at staying alive and you are a failure at being Santa Claus. Like a certain current president, your legacy will forever be tainted by your failings.
4- Robot Santa
In a day and age where it's impossible to be ethical and moral, the prospect of a Robot Santa who kills everyone who has been naughty is very daunting. The majority of our politicians, professional athletes, and Dr. Phil would all fall to the deadly, holiday-themed weaponry of Robot Santa, and the thought of a world without Dr. Phil is a very cold notion, indeed. During Futurama's obligatory holiday episode, the war on Christmas becomes a literal reality as the Planet Express crew does battle with a mechanized Kris Kringle who's running amuck. Unfortunately, the crew is unable to destroy Robot Santa, leaving open the possibility that the Android will return again next Christmas. The rest of our balding talk show hosts should therefore be put on death notice (I'm looking your way Montel Williams). Regrettably for Mr. Williams, new episodes of Futurama have recently begun production and the chance of this maniacal machine returning is good.
3- Santa from Silent Night, Deadly Night
If you've ever distrusted Mall Santas, you were right to do so, because as Silent Night, Deadly Night demonstrates, if someone is willing to dress up like a fictional, obese man, and let hundreds of strange kids sit on his lap, he probably has a few screws loose. This particular Mall Santa isn't dubious because he smells like cigarettes and takes an unhealthy number of bathroom breaks. No, this Santa is one to keep the children away from due to his questionable habit of horrifically murdering those that he thinks have been "naughty." In case you'd like to avoid the axe or the sharp antlers of a taxidermied antelope, you should understand exactly what this Santa deems "naughty." Engaging in pre-marital copulation: naughty. Being the victim of an attempted rape: naughty. Trying to call the police after witnessing a Mall Santa murder your co-workers: naughty. If there is one lesson to be learned from Silent Night, Deadly Night, it is to never approach a Mall Santa regardless of the circumstances, especially one holding bloody antlers.
2- Dee Snyder
What happens when an aging hair metal band becomes irrelevant? They put out a CD of Christmas songs done in the key of butt-minor. If you have the courage to listen to this mess, be prepared to lose all fondness for the classic Christmas carols you may have once treasured because this horrible noise will make blood shoot out of your ears for weeks. The worst part of this entire "metal" Christmas product is without a doubt the publicity stills that were released in conjunction with the CD, in which a terrifying Dee Snyder can be seen dressed as Jolly Ol' Saint Nick (see above). If Santa Claus had ever been that ugly, his elves would have tied him to his sleigh and burned him years ago. Sadly, this "music" compilation sold fairly well and as a result, Twisted Sister has promised to make more recordings. They've stated that, "Due to the success of the Christmas album and also due to the response of our tour promoting the album, Twisted Sister might not retire, and the band's future is being discussed." Which roughly translates into: "We won't be happy until everyone on the planet shoves sharp pencils into their ears
1- Santa's Slay
According to Santa's Slay, Santa is not a jolly, plump, man who gives gifts on Christmas out of kindness and compassion. No, Santa's Slay actually recounts a story even more ridiculous, which is that Santa is actually the muscled son of the Devil who has been cursed to give gifts to children for the past 1000 years due to a bet he lost with an angel. And since that 1000-year window has closed, Santa is now free to engage in whatever practices and hobbies he would normally enjoy. In this case, it's slaying the human population without remorse. That being said, the real Santa Claus has to be happy with the physique they've given him in this timeless holiday classic, since he's portrayed by one-time WCW wrestling star, Bill Goldberg. However, he might be slightly upset to find out that Goldberg is in fact Jewish and has never celebrated or paid homage to the marvelous capitalist holiday know as Christmas.
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