A bride's wedding day is meant to be a dream come true. But aren't dreams pretty messed up most of the time? For every one dream where you're riding a unicorn through a field of lollipops there are a hundred where all your teeth fall out or you find your gym teacher naked in your bathtub. Oh, just me? Well, the point is that sometimes your dream day is often a nightmare for everyone you invite. Especially if you try to spice it up with one of these theme weddings.
The Disney theme doesn't sound bad in theory. Who doesn't love Disneyland? People that are dead inside, that's who. And what better place to spend the most magical day of your life than in the most magical place on earth? That is until you have creepy, giant, unblinking, lifeless mouse faces staring you down during the most important moment in your life. Just because the giant cartoon mouse is wearing a tuxedo and top hat does not turn the occasion into a classy event. What is even worse is when you realize it is actually a couple of sweaty, underpaid, unemployed actors that hate you under those oversize heads. If you have to get married in the Magic Kingdom, why not on The Pirates of the Caribbean? Have that ominous skull read the vows before you make a literal plunge.
Speaking of Pirates of the Caribbean, that brings us to our next theme. Thanks to works of fiction and pop culture, pirates have become a romanticized class of clever scallywags with hearts of gold. I guess if that were true it would be ok (but still incredibly tacky) to don a patch and a three cornered hat and have a pirate wedding. But a real pirate wedding should consist of breaking into another couple's wedding, raping the bride and claiming her as your own, murdering half the guests and ransacking the entire reception. Or at the very least pillaging some table settings. That still sounds more pleasant than hearing someone say "Arrrrr do."
People that love Renaissance fairs really, really, really love them. Because honestly, what better way to appreciate our modern world than by traveling back in time to munch on a giant turkey leg and joust some other fat nerd? However, people that don't love Renaissance fairs really, really, really don't like them. So unless you're trying to get everyone you know that doesn't play D&D to skip the ceremony, you might want to re-think the theme. Or at least make this theme authentic too and work out some land deal with a local Baron or Duke and marry his daughter for their pig lands. Even then I think I might come down with a convenient case of the bubonic plague on the day of the nuptials.
5- Star Wars
Star Wars fans will find any excuse to dress up as Stormtroopers and Boba Fett, so Star Wars weddings are a natural part of their world. But just like how some animals eat their own young, just because it's natural does not make it right. One can only imagine how often "It's a trap!" is yelled out at one of these affairs after the crowd is asked for any objections to the marriage. And the vows must be pretty incredible. "My love for you will burn for lightyears, longer even than it takes for one to be digested in the belly of the Sarlacc." Just please Star Wars fans don't have a Southern style Star Wars wedding and have the bride and groom dressed as Luke and Leia. That's just creepy.
4- Second Life
Second Life is a computer game in which you can lead a brand new virtual life to make up for how empty your real life is. Like any free service on the internet, of course 85% of Second Life is desperate men trying to find a pixilated woman to take their clothes off for them. However, sometimes amidst this perverted chaos someone will find a bride to be. Or sometimes an already existing couple will play second life together. So they get their marriage license in first life, but boy oh boy, the big gala is in second life. Because they feel closer to their friends in Second Life they actually have an online wedding ceremony to invite all of their e-pals to witness their avatars join together in a blocky, awkwardly animated embrace. I'm someone that believes in traditional marriage myself. That's why I'll tie the knot in The Sims.
Giving birth in the water is a growing movement among natural birth advocates (and people that enjoy doing disgusting things), but come on, getting married underwater too? Getting all your guests in scuba gear to witness you pledge your love underwater seems like a fun novelty wedding to get into your local paper ("Honey, the Town Crier gave us a column above that basketball coach at the Y that touched all those kids!"), and it is a good way to cut down the guest list. Granny isn't going to be getting her scuba certification. Not to mention your drunk uncle throwing up and passing out on the present table, which can be blamed on the bends rather than your family history of alcoholism. But still, the actual ceremony consists of a bunch of people in scuba gear floating around with no idea as to what's going on. The groom could bail and the guests might think it's just an impromptu game of "fish out of water." At least you don't have to get up to go to the bathroom.
2- Star Trek
"Live long and prosper" does lend itself pretty nicely to wedding vows, but not much else about Star Trek does. If you go with the classic Star Trek Enterprise wedding, it's just a bunch of boring plain colored outfits and one guy has pointy ears. But the other choice is far, far worse: a Klingon wedding. Not only do they slather on prosthetics to make themselves look like wrinkly-foreheaded weirdoes, but some go as far as to have their ceremony conducted entirely in Kingon. That's right, a fake language. Set your phasers to embarrassing!
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. But how many sleepless nights filled with cold sweat and terrified shudders is one clown wedding picture worth? Many. Oh, so many. California bans gay marriage and yet this is allowed to continue? That is a true failure of justice. And clowns, be warned: if you invite me to your colorful wedding, I will not attend. And don't tell me to send regrets, because I will not be regretful. But I will send you a wedding gift. A personalized mirror with "Re-think your life" engraved across the top. And "P.S. you frighten me" across the bottom.