Life is full of awkward moments, but one era encapsulates all that is uncomfortable. Here are eight moments every adult is currently surpressing about his or her adolescence.
8- The public erection
When a male is first able to regularly achieve an erection, he'll find that it frequently occurs amongst congregations of people. Whether this is due to impure thoughts that are being had for the females in proximity, or just because the body wants to practice this new found and astounding ability is unclear. What we are certain of though, is how embarrassing it can be when achieved in the company of the elderly.
An awkward illustration:
Bobby is excited for this Sunday's church service because he knows that all the time spent practicing his solo is about to pay off. As he sits in the pew waiting for Pastor Todd to announce his performance and ask him to approach the head of the church, he can't help but notice how nervous and excited he's getting all at the same time; this is going to be some solo, Bobby pleasantly thinks to himself. As the moment arrives, and Pastor Todd gives him the nod, Bobby starts feeling something unusual happening in his pants. Not completely aware of what's taking place, Bobby continues towards the front, only to find that with each ongoing step his pants seem to be getting tighter and tighter. By the time Bobby reaches the front of the sanctuary, and just as the organ begins to play the first notes of My God Is an Awesome God, Bobby realizes he has what doctors describe as a "raging boner." As Grandma unknowingly snaps a picture of what will be Bobby's most memorable hard-on, Bobby comes to the conclusion that God doesn't exist.
7-The peach-fuzz moustache
There is no bigger indicator that boy has become man than the growth of facial hair, accompanied by whiskers on the chest, armpits, and... "other areas". And because that knowledge has been fully realized by male adolescents, the race to grow and then boast such crops of hair becomes significant. Unfortunately, too many males attempt to grow these virile patches of fur before their bodies have enabled them to do so, leaving countless boys with thin cookie-dusters
An awkward illustration:David has never been too good with the ladies, and he is tired of watching his hairy-lipped peers reach first base, when all of his daydreams indicate that he'd make a better boyfriend than those Sasquatches. So David decides to take matters into his own hands. For weeks David begins applying his father's Rogaine to that smooth strip of skin that rests above his lip, and for weeks he sees no results, until finally, a thin, sporadic group of blondish/white hair has begun to protrude below his nose. Not enough to be visible to the undiscerning babe at the local school, but just enough to be seen if he engaged in a little hair embellishing. So with the aide of his Mother's eye-liner, David enhances his struggling 'stache and then proceeds to class. On this day, David is so thoroughly mocked, that he will dedicate his life to the destruction of all things hair-related.
6-Breast development (or a lack thereof)
Who would have thought that evolution's method for nurturing the young would eventually become an object deemed so important in both physical and sexual attractiveness? The mammary gland, a.k.a. the boob, has become so imperative to female beauty that many individuals inflate their natural breasts with large balloon-like devices to make themselves more appealing to those T&A-loving men.
An awkward illustration:
On two separate occasions Melissa has witnessed the more well-endowed or "chesty" girls get asked to go to the Fall Fling, while the girls described by some as "a carpenter's dream" got passed over. Melissa desperately wants to attend that particular Autumn-themed dance, but she's worried that her sluggish breast development will leave the boys uninterested. So Melissa hatches a plan to initiate the biological breast work that nature seems so reluctant to get started on, and she begins her plot by purchasing a box of ultra soft Kleenex. Then, before attending school the following day, Melissa fills her bra with said facial tissues, along with a pair of socks and a handful of packing peanuts. As she walks in to Mrs. Walchefski's first period English class that morning, several wide-eyed male peers pass out in excited glee, while her female classmates immediately begin plotting how they'll expose this mind-boggling breast growth. Mrs. Walchefski simply rolls her eyes and thinks, "amateur."
The after effects of the body's vocal transformation always make the puberty beneficiary sound cooler and more mature. Unfortunately, the voice-deepening transition is rarely a smooth one. And while this adjustment never takes place overnight, it almost always emerges when one is speaking in public or attempting to impress a peer.
An awkward illustration:Steven is a 14-year-old male sitting in Spanish class. His teacher, Mrs. Rodriguez, has just finished reciting several of the countries in Latin America and has now turned to Steven to name the few she has yet to list. Since Steven knows the answer, he confidently stands up, eager to answer Ms. Rodriguez's query and impress the attractive senorita who sits to his left. As Steven begins to declare the Dominican Republic his voice does something strange that its never done before--it makes a high pitched squeak, similar to the sound a parrot makes when getting shot. As the class erupts into laughter, Steven realizes he sounds like a complete fool, and he embarrassingly runs out of class crying. Shortly thereafter, he transfers schools and changes his name to Stephen.
4-Changing/showering for gym class
Just as youthful bodies reach their awkward peak, society forces several, unfamiliar, same-sexed teens to gather in small rooms and strip down to their skivvies in front of one another. If the teens belong to a particularly cruel society, after their clothing is removed they will then be forced to bath in front of one another. Often extensive rounds of therapy follow.
An awkward illustration:Today should be a happy day--Trevor has decided to join his Junior High Flag Football team. But what Trevor doesn't know is that after practice is finished his coach will force him to undress in front of his more physically-developed teammates and take a shower. As practice concludes, the team begins to pile back into the locker room, and to Trevor's surprise, they start removing their gear. Trevor is faced with a conundrum: Does he assert his masculinity, remove his Fall Out Boy T-shirt followed by the rest of his clothes, jump into the shower and engage in a splashing fight with his teammates? Does he undress down to just his underwear, bath with his colleagues, all the while keeping his privates private? Or does he climb into a locker and hide until the rest of the team completes their cleaning, whereupon he begins screaming for the janitor to come and let him out? Wisely, Trevor chose the latter.
One clear example of life's extreme cruelty is demonstrated when young people, who are probably going through the most socially-insecure period of their lives, see their faces explode in a fury of grease and black, white, and red dots. Unfortunately these small, colored bumps often attack in packs, and even when it's just a single pimple emerging, these tiny dots possess enough power to derail even the most probable prom king or queen campaigns.
An awkward illustration:As Suzy falls asleep, she imagines how wonderful the upcoming day--the day she's been primping for since she was 5--will be. Tomorrow she'll be turning 16, and her wealthy father, who owns a national chain of gas stations, has assured her that the local Rotary Club will be filled with every cool high school kid in the tri-county area, as well as Art Kelly (an R. Kelly impersonator), who will be doing a very personal rendition of Happy Birthday. What Suzy doesn't know is that several pores on her nose and cheeks have become clogged with oil, created in excess from all the sugary birthday cake she insisted on consuming even though her birthday was still "technically" a day away. Tomorrow Suzy won't be paid all the beautiful compliments that she repeatedly hears in her dreams. No, tomorrow will see Suzy hearing things along the lines of pizza face, crater countenance and boner breath, as well as a disgusted Art Kelly's refusal to perform for "such an ugly child."
2-The birds and the bees
With age comes the biological urge to mate, and as children mature they start emulating their favorite pop-stars and hotel heiresses by engaging in acts of a sexual nature. It's this single event that keeps parents awake at night, and as a result, they decide they must warn their children of the dangers of youthful intercourse (except, apparently the parents of pop-stars and hotel heiresses), and specify what appropriate copulation is, and when it should take place.
An awkward illustration:Last night Sam's parents caught him looking at internet pornography, and today at 5:30 they have scheduled a family-crisis meeting. As 5:30 finally rolls around, Sam sheepishly enters the crisis meeting center (a.k.a. the dining room) and sits down at the dining room table across from a crying mother and an outwardly-disappointed, but secretly-proud, father. Mother begins by explaining what tasteful and appropriate sex should look like and when it should take place, while Father demonstrates with his pointer finger how an erect penis appears during intercourse. Next, Father fashions a vagina by looping his opposing pointer finger to his thumb to form a "hole," and then moves the "penis" back and forth or in and out of the "vagina" to simulate how God intended sex and reproduction to appear. Eventually Sam agrees that he's going to wait until he's married before engaging in this "incredibly dangerous" process, even though Sam lost his virginity two years prior.
1- The Wet dream
Dreams are often positively associated with fantasies and desires, and there are few dreams more fantastic than dreams involving intercourse. That is, unless you're a male adolescent, because those sexual dreams frequently come with an unpleasant and messy side-effect. Apparently the young body is unable to distinguish between actual sex and subconscious sex, and as a result adolescent men's bedding often takes it on the proverbial chin.
An awkward illustration:
After a long night of watching a "Deal or No Deal" marathon, Charles is ready for bed. As he climbs between the sheets, a few fleeting memories of 100 models holding briefcases fly by before sleep finally sets in. [Note: there are actually only 26 models] As he slumbers, Charles dreams that he's the contestant on Deal or No Deal, except that strange, bald man who doesn't like to touch people isn't the host; instead it's Shannon Dougherty circa 1990 (Charles is a big Beverly Hills 90210 fan). And instead of the models opening their cases when gestured to, Charles now gets to make out with said model when her case is called out. It's then, during a particularly involved, heavy-petting session with model number 18, that it happens. Initially Charles is unsure of what is taking place, and as he quickly awakens from his most awesome dream ever, he's a bit confused. As realization sets in, so does the shame and humiliation. And when Charles' mom comes into her son's room in the morning, she's going to realize she can no longer have that subscription to Victoria's Secret.