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The 7 Suckiest Halloween Treats

Oct. 23 4:22 PM by Aaron_Koehn

With Halloween coming soon, we thought we'd do the candy-givers of the world a favor and highlight the worst treats ever foisted upon costumed children. Whether you want to avoid having a lawn coated in egg yolks and 1-ply toilet paper, or earn the ire of every kid in your neighborhood, take note of these 7 sucky treats.

7-Pennies

Only the cheapest misers pass out pennies come Halloween, and while that may seem counterintuitive, take a look at the price of candy bags. If that tightwad fills his "treat bowl" with 200 pennies he's essentially only spending 2 bucks on trick-or-treaters. The typical bag of candy costs around $3.00, and nobody buys just one bag of candy. So by giving out those tiny pieces of brass, which were probably salvaged from his couch cushions seconds before the doorbell rang, this cheapskate is saving himself upwards of $4.00. He also probably drives a 1990 Toyota Camry, has been twice divorced, and considers warm water a luxury. If you ever come across the penny-pincher while trick-or-treating, kindly refuse his stingy offering, and tell him that he needs the money worse then you do. Then set a bag of poo on fire on the hood of his Camry.

6-Gum

The purpose of Halloween is to allow children to indulge in something that they enjoy, but usually only have access to on a limited basis, and that of course is Candy. Candy is something that wakes dentists up in the middle of the night in cold sweats, instigating their diabolical schemes to rid the world of this treasured fare. So if kids are seeking an item that their nemesis the Dentist doesn't want them to have, why do some households give out items that 9 out of 10 Dentists recommend people use? Here's why: they either hate children, or they are, in fact, dentists themselves. It's also an unspoken rule that Halloween is only successful if you end the night with an upset stomach and then vomiting. Try achieving that with a pack of Trident.

5-Non-individually Wrapped Candy (Pumpkin Candy, Jelly Beans, Gummy Worms)

While trick-or-treating, most have come across that house whose "goody bowl" is filled with candy that didn't come in wrappers. And after digging one's mitts into said bowl, it is discovered that the candy has a strange wetness to it. Or even worse, you notice strange, inedible bits of filth attached to the candies, which were able to affix themselves after the candies became damp. It should also be noted that the all-time worst Halloween candy award goes to those unpackaged, candy corn pumpkins, because when they get wet (and they almost always will), their color starts to melt off and they become oddly soft. They're completely unfit for human consumption.

4-Fruit (Banana, Apple, Raisins)

There's always that one house on the street that thinks they're doing everyone a favor by handing out food that has actual nutritional value, as opposed to food that children actually enjoy eating. It's that same pretentious home whose grass is still bright green even though it's the middle of fall, and whose owners have clearly never had children of their own. Essentially all they're doing when they hand out this item is providing disenfranchised trick-or-treaters with ammunition that will eventually come crashing through their living room window before the night is over. The only way an apple will be accepted and not returned on Halloween, is if you first dip it in caramel and attach it to a stick--though good luck handing something like that out in this day and age. If the fruit doesn't receive this type of treatment, you should be prepared to pick shards of glass up out of your carpet.

3-Toothbrushes

When celebrating this particular holiday, it is a requirement to engage in indulgence and excessive consumption, and if you instead practice responsibility or conscientiousness, you're doing it wrong. Brushing your teeth is possibly the most conflicting, anti-Halloween task one could engage in, and certain people's insistence on passing out these oral hygiene tools is, more or less, a slap in the face to trick-or-treating enthusiasts the world over. In fact, if you are a child who is reading this, and you come across a toothbrush during this time-honored candy-grab, take that toothbrush distributor's metaphorical slap in the face, and return it in the form of a physical slap to their face. And since your identity will be disguised behind your costume, you won't have to worry about these teeth-freaks ratting you out. It's the perfect crime.

2-Plastic Spider/Skull Rings

Here is the logic trail that takes place when a house decides to pass out these crappy rings instead of Candy: "Every house on this street is passing out candy. Candy is boring and common. I am fun and unique. Therefore I am going to spice up these kids' holiday by passing out chintzy rings. Certainly this plan will be well-received and won't result in my house getting egged." Those two-cent rings are egg magnets, and if you think for one second that handing those out instead of Candy will somehow positively reflect upon your free-spirited, neighborhood-standing, get ready to pick toilet paper out of your tree come November 1st.

1-Candy with Tacks or Glass Hidden Inside

Eating candy is an enjoyable activity. Eating candy that has metal bits or glass hidden inside is a less enjoyable activity (you're still getting the candy, that's why it's not totally horrible). Unfortunately, consuming this candy can come with a heavy price, and even though it's your last Butterfinger and the glass shard sticking half-way out doesn't look that sharp, it would be wise to toss this piece in the trash and then organize some sort of angry mob to find the person responsible. Ultimately, the true benefactors of this hidden, candy hazard are the makers of those impenetrable hard candies, whose extremely dense form prevents delinquents from concealing pointy-edged objects. So there you have it, more evidence that Nerds are the perfect candy.

Comments

heres 1 u missed pencils ugh

will there be a best Halloween treats? I got 1 for ya soda, bless the women that hands those out ^^

 

I just pick out the glass or razor blades and enjoy.

 

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